just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
