i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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