your thong is hanging out like whoa
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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