I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
