He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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