I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
