just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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