was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
