he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
