Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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