sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
