The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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