I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
