in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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