News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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