Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
