I think I won the penis lottery.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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