I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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