i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
