I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
