Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
