tell your sister to shave her snatch
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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