you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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