just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
