I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
