Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
