Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
