Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
