I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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