I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
