I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
