Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
