i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
