Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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