so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
