oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
