my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
