Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Four minutes until I can fart!
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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