If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
