So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
