Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have fence marks all over my body
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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