Betty ford says i'm here all night
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
