The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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