Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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