Got a toothbrush?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i now understand why vodka
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
