apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
