Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
try to milk me bitch
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