I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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