I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
