I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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