Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
